5 Great Tips To Help You Survive Hogwarts
by BookwormKali
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione write 5 tips they think every first year should know. Oh boy.


What happens when Dumbledore assigns the up-coming sixth years to writing some tips for the new students? A bunch of random tips that really won't help anyone. Except maybe the kitchen tip. You'd be my bestest friend ever if you reviewed!

Disclaimer- My last name doesn't rhyme with Bowling.

Harry

Hermione

_Ron_

* * *

Welcome first years to Hogwarts! You're in for a great 7 years. I'm Hermione.

_I'm Ron._

And I'm Harry.

We're going to give you 5 tips to help you out.

We'll tell you valuable information like how to sneak through hallways after curfew without getting caught or basilisk fighting.

Harry! We can't teach them that! We need to tell them important things like study tips and note taking.

_Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. We'll get to that; but first, we need to teach them about Quidditch. It breaks my heart that some poor first year might not know about the greatest sport ever._

...

Okay... Moving on, we should focus on school work first.

No, we should worry about making sure they can survive. Our first year could have been so much simpler with a few helpful hints about dragon taming and avoiding three headed dogs.

But one could argue that we didn't have a typical first year.

_Yeah, but we promised we would give advice based on our experiences, and they are our experiences._

_Fine... We're add some survival tips. Anything else?_

___QUIDDITCH!_

_We'll see._

Why do I have a feeling we're going to frighten the first years?

I don't know. It might be the all the talk about three headed dogs and dragons.

_And studying._

* * *

**Tip #1**

**Dragons don't make good pets.**

If you ever feel the need to own a pet dragon... forget all about it.

Dragons make horrid pets.

_They bite you and your friends._

They destroy your property.

_Don't forget they get really, really big._

They are also difficult to get rid of.

If you or someone you know (Cough Hagrid Cough) come into the possession of a Dragon. I recommend going to the Headmaster.

If you try to get rid of it yourself, you'll just land in detention.

_Trust us, we've been there._

* * *

**Tip #2**

**The Hogwarts kitchen is located directly under the Great Hall, down the same staircase that leads to the Hufflepuff Common Room. To gain access to the kitchens, one must tickle the pear painted in a portrait of a bowl of fruit, which turns into a door knob.**

_The house_ _elf's make the best food..._

Ronald, I don't see how you could support slave labor!

_Easy! The house elf's are happy to do it._

They don't know any better!

Still, you would just upset them if you freed them or even better. Your goal is a little counter-productive.

I still think it's wrong!

_No one cares 'Mione._

_

* * *

_

**Tip #3**

**You can't get drunk off of butterbeer (unless you're a house elf)**

_No matter how much you drink, you'll stay dead sober mate. Trust me, I've tried it many times. _

Ronald!

_What? It's not like it worked._

Her point is that you tried.

Exactly.

_I still don't get what I did wrong. I just wanted to get through Snape's class._

Professor Snape

_Whatever. It's still cruel of them to expect us to get through his class sober._

He does have a point.

Harry!

* * *

**Tip #4**

**Snape hates you (unless you're a Slytherin)**

Sorry, guys; but it's a fact of life. He hates everyone who isn't from his house.

Let's be fair Harry; Slytherin is hated by 3/4 of the school. He's just.. evening the playing field.

_What does a field have to do with greasy bat?_

Ron...

But he doesn't help. He just makes everyone resent Slytherin more. Besides, all he had to do was look at me before loathing me more than everyone else.

I guess you do have a point; but we should still give him the respect someone of his profession deserves. 

The point is if you don't talk to Snape or bother him, 99% of the time he won't hate you more than he normally would.

* * *

**Tip #5**

**Watch out for DADA teacher.**

Hogwart's DADA teachers don't have a very good track record. In 5 year's we've had a teacher possessed by the spirit of you-know-who, a egotistical wuss who stole other people's accomplishments, a werewolf, a polyjuiced Death Eater and a sadistic frog like creature who liked to use torcure devices.

We have had a bunch of crazies haven't we? I would like to clarify something; Professor Lupin may have been a werewolf, but he was the best and least cruel among them.

_And he tried to eat us. Listen, I know he's only dangerous once a month, but that was an epic fail on his part._

For once I have to agree with Ron.

_I want my flying pig!_

What?

_Hermione once told me we would agree on something would be the day pigs fly. We agreed on something; so therefore I want my promised flying pig._

...

Should you explain this to him, or should I?

_Explain what?_

* * *

I hope you got something out of these tips.

_Like what? Where to get something to eat and most of the teachers are out to get you?_

Well, hindsight is 20/20

_What? What does numbers have to do with anything?_

Don't worry about it. Anyway, I'm sure our tips are fine. These tips would have been nice for us.

Yeah. For us.

_Who else in this school needs to know about dragons? These tips are random and stupid. _

Just drop it Ron.

How about we forget about this and go get some ice-cream?

_ICE-CREAM! I'm in!_

I suppose... 


End file.
